An interview with Becca, conducted by Mr. Charlique Theobald Harmonium

Kids, this is what a 24oz Starbucks Americano and a half packed one hitter will do to your mind one hour before quitting time on a Friday afternoon. Don't do drugs. Do them in combination with other drugs having the opposite affect on the nervous system.

Charlie: I cannot tell you how much I liked Batman Begins.
Becca: I'm quite enthusiastic about Batman Begins, though I've heard it said by more than a few that Chicago made a crappy Gotham City. Fear not though, I quickly put these heretics in their places. As a rule of thumb I donkey punch anyone who bashes my fair city, which is, as you can imagine, quite a feat to witness, quite a challenge to perform and far more than disturbing to experience on the receiving end. Does the trick something awful, let me tell you.

C: As far as movies based on comic books go, I feel like with that and Sin City this year they should just take a breather for a while, because Ican't imagine that everything else isn't going to seem like a pile of donkey shit in comparison. For instance? Fantastic Four comes out today. Smells like donkey shit to me!
B: At first I was into the idea of Fantastic 4, but people keep pounding it into the ground as this horrendous work of demons of suckiness. I just liked the guy that's always on fire. And I have a small lesbionic crush on Jessica Alba. 2 solid reasons to see any film if you ask me.

C: Does the lease signing mean you're moving at the end of this month? What's Nick doing? Are you two at all ashamed that you're destroying (what I have decided is) the Gay Mecca of the NorthSide?
B: Though I'm signing today, I won't be leaving my current apt until the end of October when our lease runs out. Talk about planning ahead. I could plan a 3 day long house warming party, throw it, clean up after it, develop the pictures, go to trial after the pictures end up on the internet, win and become a millionaire and find a newer, even better apartment before I actually move in.

C: Do you think Diet Coke really gives you cancer? Because I had a headache the other day, and now I have this giant pulsating lump sticking out of myforehead. At first I thought I was growing a second penis, but then I read this article, and I have been drinking a lot of Diet Coke lately.
B: Diet Coke had better not be a cancer causing agent; if it is then at least 30% of my bloodstream is cancer ridden and decaying as we speak. The other 70% is espresso and vodka, which come to think of it, isn't so comforting.

C: Who do you think would win in a fight, a robot monkey or a ninja pirate?
B: Who would win? Are you kidding? Robot Monkey doesn't stand a tranny's chance in a sports bar. Pirate ninja's got everything on him: throwing stars, canons, wooden limbs, nunchucks, not to mention the insane amount of frightening noise combinations that would arise from the melding of ninja screams and pirate growls. No contest.

C: And do you think that walking a dog makes a man more attractive to random women? Because I was walking my parents' dog last night, and middleaged women kept pinching my nipples and slapping my ass. Is that weird?
B: The theory is that a guy walking a dog must have some kind of a nurturing side, which to a woman translates to a guy that will let her walk all over him and buy her things. And when you think about it, what else is there to look for in a relationship? Aside from hot man-on-dog sex, of course, but that's a given.